Thursday, August 10, 2017

Time at 66 within the confines of Parkinson's

Our most precious resource at any age, 'limits in time', a torment unrequested.  I stare off in a dark morning reflection. The monumental majesty of my remaining body, the deep breaths into my cavernous chest, testimony to my ongoing health, versus the encroaching invalidism of my Parkinson's.

How best to live? What takes precedence, within this barrage of distractions... little habitual delicacies amongst a profusion of obligations, all within the slave cell of time. My wheels spin in frustration. I bless having choice, curse the choosing.

I have a big house in the peaceful pleasantry of my mountain. Yet, to reach it, I have a treacherous drive, made more so by a progression of physical and mental symptoms. I slow my pace on the narrow roadway, frustrating the tailgating fastlane enthusiasts. I force away mental distraction, avoiding multitasking. I fight to keep my mind in line. Waves of anxiety pound my perceptions. I skirt the limits of skill and tactical options. I survive not thrive behind the wheel.

The possibility of buses and train is hampered by the standing and walking at either end. My walker too big to carry on size 'tiny'... the standard of Japanese mass transit. Stair-climbs, and short distances, leave me breathless and exhausted. I judge my ambitions by the distance between options of sitting down, public benches scarce here with space so limited.

Limited, yet essential, as accessible Western-style toilets in this continent accustomed to squatting. In Japan, relief has restrictions on all body functions. Nothing more predictably 'unpredictable' than the urinary and bowel rest spots to the Parkinsonian.

Solutions, like selling my home for a city-center handicap accessible. Giving up driving, and silent nights, for a little cement box in a concrete jungle. If not here, where? Somewhere else in Asia or a health-careless America? Is that the gist of it, or are there more shadows to wrestle with? Only timely selections, and biological necessities, will foretell where my youthful fortunes are left to depreciate.

Urgency creating anxiety my new circle of life.

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