Living in Paradise, a place where fortune has placed me within arms reach of all my needs and most pleasures, has a residual effect: That massive excess hanging over my belt and making me short of breath.
It is as if there is a built in accumulating tab with all joy in life. But there is no causal relationship between happiness and payback. Instead, there is wise lifestyle choices and less wise lifestyle choices. But since I have come to equate eating in excess as my preferred activity over exercise, there is in fact a relationship between joy and risk.
There comes a time when daredevil eating needs to be packed in the attic along with extreme sports and psychedelics. At my age I need to know better and to act accordingly.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Haunting in Paradise
I calculated the hours I actually work and, including travel and mid-class lunches, I do not work over 30 hours on those full weeks I do work. The actual time is closer to 25. Yet interestingly enough the anxiety and disappointments, the frustrations and residual hard feelings, can last throughout my week... Into my dreams... permeating, even slightly poisoning the food I eat, the feelings I experience, the moods I express.
I feel I am working hard to eradicate these social dysfunctions but the causes are subtle and the cures radical and unpractical... most likely un-achievable transformations of character. Even though the disease itself is life threatening in its persistent blight on the delicate mechanisms of consciousness... What can a body do?
The solution may be a surrender to one side of this persistent duplicity. A loss of income, slipping into the cold hard world of cashless-ness, onto the loser side of this consumer society I seem to enjoy so much. Or a gradual undermining of my sense of self. Feeling that value of spirit, that my opinion matters more than the logistical management of mine and others egos. Is ego and idea permanently entwined, to where there is no hope of grace and dignity without Machiavellian manipulations?
Can I be a genuinely good person and yet still express character and individual flair? Let us hope what flames of pain and pounding one feels now will heat the irons to a greater tensile strength tomorrow. I will continue to try and filter through all these acidic emotions, hoping some clarity awaits down the road. One day, this day, today.
I feel I am working hard to eradicate these social dysfunctions but the causes are subtle and the cures radical and unpractical... most likely un-achievable transformations of character. Even though the disease itself is life threatening in its persistent blight on the delicate mechanisms of consciousness... What can a body do?
The solution may be a surrender to one side of this persistent duplicity. A loss of income, slipping into the cold hard world of cashless-ness, onto the loser side of this consumer society I seem to enjoy so much. Or a gradual undermining of my sense of self. Feeling that value of spirit, that my opinion matters more than the logistical management of mine and others egos. Is ego and idea permanently entwined, to where there is no hope of grace and dignity without Machiavellian manipulations?
Can I be a genuinely good person and yet still express character and individual flair? Let us hope what flames of pain and pounding one feels now will heat the irons to a greater tensile strength tomorrow. I will continue to try and filter through all these acidic emotions, hoping some clarity awaits down the road. One day, this day, today.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Trouble in Paradise
The dichotomy of my days has been growing. On one side are perfected times with family and friends and on the other a troubling time on certain days with passive resistance and lack luster interaction with my students. There has also been the recent car accident, which has reopened old wounds both physical and psychological. There is that run-away train feeling.
A recent trend to increase classroom size, with classes expanding to upwards to 35, and the dumbing down needed as more troubled and lower teared students enter the pool with current demographics shifts... less students born into the school system means more of the bottom placed in previously unattainable schools... But all of this reads like rationale. My job is whatever is placed before me, as well as the emotional adjustment needed to deal with the challenges of both the classroom and administrative challenges of my employment.
The 'run-away train feeling' is a life time of teaching and living catching up with me. Those tail-ends of unresolved emotions, heated up by the layering of new feelings. In affect, my trying to please everyone and not succeeding.
I have made several adjustments, each day to the various needs of my students, in the diverse classroom settings I currently teach. Some of it has been quite successful while other attempts are lost in the numbers. At core, though, is my awareness of my inevitable responsibility to my life situation, i.e. I am in charge; parallel to much is also outside my control, i.e. I am not in charge.
This duplicity, with my will to master my situation on one side, and this observation that so much is outside my ability to control, has me grasping at straws.
An emotional centering is advisable now. I can feel my mind trailing off in distinct directions: relationships, work related, needed transitions for the future, distracting yet essential pleasures, the trials and tribulations of driving, parenting, maintaining this richly diverse lifestyle...
Time to psychologically regroup and set my priorities in order. But there is so very much on my plate and much of it so very delicious. Perhaps the best perspective is slowing down into this moment and managing the particular place I am... Look deeply at this feeling of insecurity and dissatisfaction while tasting the sweetness of all my many many blessings.
A recent trend to increase classroom size, with classes expanding to upwards to 35, and the dumbing down needed as more troubled and lower teared students enter the pool with current demographics shifts... less students born into the school system means more of the bottom placed in previously unattainable schools... But all of this reads like rationale. My job is whatever is placed before me, as well as the emotional adjustment needed to deal with the challenges of both the classroom and administrative challenges of my employment.
The 'run-away train feeling' is a life time of teaching and living catching up with me. Those tail-ends of unresolved emotions, heated up by the layering of new feelings. In affect, my trying to please everyone and not succeeding.
I have made several adjustments, each day to the various needs of my students, in the diverse classroom settings I currently teach. Some of it has been quite successful while other attempts are lost in the numbers. At core, though, is my awareness of my inevitable responsibility to my life situation, i.e. I am in charge; parallel to much is also outside my control, i.e. I am not in charge.
This duplicity, with my will to master my situation on one side, and this observation that so much is outside my ability to control, has me grasping at straws.
An emotional centering is advisable now. I can feel my mind trailing off in distinct directions: relationships, work related, needed transitions for the future, distracting yet essential pleasures, the trials and tribulations of driving, parenting, maintaining this richly diverse lifestyle...
Time to psychologically regroup and set my priorities in order. But there is so very much on my plate and much of it so very delicious. Perhaps the best perspective is slowing down into this moment and managing the particular place I am... Look deeply at this feeling of insecurity and dissatisfaction while tasting the sweetness of all my many many blessings.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Cool Morning
I ask myself, "Why was it, I didn't take a walk all weekend, but instead stayed by the computer, and even there hardly did anything constructive?" But no reassuring answer followed. Friday was beautiful, in part, because it included a walk with friends and my son.
Another week has begun, something needs to get me out... I understand this... yet... "Let's find time to take a walk today!" I say, as if making a plan... Insisting it is a plan.
Needing to get my friends involved, to combine this simple task with my strong socializing need; combine my need for affection with motion beyond the expedience of the bedroom.
"Expand my definition of physical pleasure" I reaffirm. Survival by depletion of my copious form is as relevant as the dissemination of semen. Though one is dependent on the other, my lazy nature settles for the path best lubricated. Dark humor aside, exercise is essential for my survival.
I need to internalize this message and get the job done, day after day, after day.
Another week has begun, something needs to get me out... I understand this... yet... "Let's find time to take a walk today!" I say, as if making a plan... Insisting it is a plan.
Needing to get my friends involved, to combine this simple task with my strong socializing need; combine my need for affection with motion beyond the expedience of the bedroom.
"Expand my definition of physical pleasure" I reaffirm. Survival by depletion of my copious form is as relevant as the dissemination of semen. Though one is dependent on the other, my lazy nature settles for the path best lubricated. Dark humor aside, exercise is essential for my survival.
I need to internalize this message and get the job done, day after day, after day.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Wicked Wonderment
A deliciously dense cloud covers my mountain home. The patter and ping of rain splattering endlessly on my tin roof comforts me. Even the cool air feels refreshing, safe here in my wooden steel framed castle.
Thankfully the despair and disease that cursed my yesterday has subsided to normalcy, peaking as pleasure in being alive. Life is lovely when your children are safe.
There is such a torrent of collective pain as we watch via accessible media the wars of the world. We understand so much of what can go wrong. This is why I spend so much time lingering in beauty and peaceful pleasures, simple solutions, and sweet gentle affections. I hope to be more and more a beacon of bliss and less detractor and cold-hearted critic.
So deeply ingrained is my ego-based grumpiness. So much more useful would be a likability factor amped-up to max... so much better for me, my family, my students, and all the many who must contend with my cantankerous nature each and every day.
Thankfully the despair and disease that cursed my yesterday has subsided to normalcy, peaking as pleasure in being alive. Life is lovely when your children are safe.
There is such a torrent of collective pain as we watch via accessible media the wars of the world. We understand so much of what can go wrong. This is why I spend so much time lingering in beauty and peaceful pleasures, simple solutions, and sweet gentle affections. I hope to be more and more a beacon of bliss and less detractor and cold-hearted critic.
So deeply ingrained is my ego-based grumpiness. So much more useful would be a likability factor amped-up to max... so much better for me, my family, my students, and all the many who must contend with my cantankerous nature each and every day.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Factoid May=Depression
In the waves of trivia, in which I swim, came the factoid: December, despite the myth, is not the highest for suicide; May is. May comes after a hard sad winter but May's spring brings no relief. Believing in the future is always a risky proposition, when the present doesn't work well. I live in paradise, so, by default, I am an authority on sadness... something to do with comparative perspectives.
Today I see I have these romantic ties to my tools as a symbol of prowess, more than any massive hunger for the creative process. I want the cool factor of being seen as powerful, by operating top-of-the-line cool stuff, though I am not as willing to do the legwork of mastership of these tools.
I suppose mine is a common infliction. A consumer society soldier of conspicuous consumption. Convenience and pragmatic motivation (sugar, salt, and sex) seems more relevant for me to make things. Simple and expedient means more for getting me to do something, than the actual cool state-of-the-arts technology I covet. I like stuff now more than making stuff, objects over action... a toy junkie. But to get the job done, simple and in tune with some motivation is best for me.
I discuss this here after watching myself procrastinate. Procrastinate learning even the simplest of technology, all the while fantasizing ambitious complex projects.
The advent of spring means summer to me, after a hard muggy initiation, total un-productivity. Like life away from a big city, life without a product lacks a rationalization for existence. A city without an art process, a tool without mastership, a spring without vision reaching toward manifestation, are formula for depression.
Process justifies the tool. Depression is the recognition of factors without motivation for appropriate action. A feeling, a feeling that the vision really is meaningless, before giving the action a chance to wash all that self-doubt away, is a May depression and could evolve into a June suicide.
Though these theories might apply to an exaggerated version of reality, they still do not explain my wife's suicide in June 2000, nor why I circle the fire of art creation at such a distance. Am I a moth with a greater destiny than consummation in flames or simply a coward afraid of standing naked in my ordinariness as every man. Was this what Reiko tried to face, Her human ordinariness?
Thankfully I already live in paradise, and all this speculative dancing does not diminish the fact. Truth will triumph by the inevitability of 'what happens will happen' with or without us. Though, some of us will be missed deeply for a very long time. So all that remains is, what do I plan to do with my present symptoms: High Blood Pressure, lock jaw tension, and a perpetual resistance to radical but necessary change.
Today I see I have these romantic ties to my tools as a symbol of prowess, more than any massive hunger for the creative process. I want the cool factor of being seen as powerful, by operating top-of-the-line cool stuff, though I am not as willing to do the legwork of mastership of these tools.
I suppose mine is a common infliction. A consumer society soldier of conspicuous consumption. Convenience and pragmatic motivation (sugar, salt, and sex) seems more relevant for me to make things. Simple and expedient means more for getting me to do something, than the actual cool state-of-the-arts technology I covet. I like stuff now more than making stuff, objects over action... a toy junkie. But to get the job done, simple and in tune with some motivation is best for me.
I discuss this here after watching myself procrastinate. Procrastinate learning even the simplest of technology, all the while fantasizing ambitious complex projects.
The advent of spring means summer to me, after a hard muggy initiation, total un-productivity. Like life away from a big city, life without a product lacks a rationalization for existence. A city without an art process, a tool without mastership, a spring without vision reaching toward manifestation, are formula for depression.
Process justifies the tool. Depression is the recognition of factors without motivation for appropriate action. A feeling, a feeling that the vision really is meaningless, before giving the action a chance to wash all that self-doubt away, is a May depression and could evolve into a June suicide.
Though these theories might apply to an exaggerated version of reality, they still do not explain my wife's suicide in June 2000, nor why I circle the fire of art creation at such a distance. Am I a moth with a greater destiny than consummation in flames or simply a coward afraid of standing naked in my ordinariness as every man. Was this what Reiko tried to face, Her human ordinariness?
Thankfully I already live in paradise, and all this speculative dancing does not diminish the fact. Truth will triumph by the inevitability of 'what happens will happen' with or without us. Though, some of us will be missed deeply for a very long time. So all that remains is, what do I plan to do with my present symptoms: High Blood Pressure, lock jaw tension, and a perpetual resistance to radical but necessary change.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Happiness in fulfilling Times
There were moments in the aftermath of Reiko's death where it was hard envisioning being fulfilled again. Now I dance among pleasures... good friends, companionship, affection from my children... all the bounty of the earth, available within the peace and sanctity of Japan.
As I write this, I watch Claude LeLouch's classic 'Smic Smac Smoc'. How is it America never discovered Claude LeLouch?
I discovered his work as a film student, in New York City in the early seventies, and have never found much mention of his work, anywhere in the States, since. He combines a deeply philosophical romanticism with a love for the pure fun of cinema production.
Thankfully, I can still enjoy his work, on the miracle of a DVD six film collection, created by the Canadian 'imavision'. Quality and story last through time.
As I write this, I watch Claude LeLouch's classic 'Smic Smac Smoc'. How is it America never discovered Claude LeLouch?
I discovered his work as a film student, in New York City in the early seventies, and have never found much mention of his work, anywhere in the States, since. He combines a deeply philosophical romanticism with a love for the pure fun of cinema production.
Thankfully, I can still enjoy his work, on the miracle of a DVD six film collection, created by the Canadian 'imavision'. Quality and story last through time.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Petal to the Metal
My feet are feeling around for the kick start pedal on this day. Podcast distracted recently, proactive inklings dissipate quickly... need to keep plowing through. Glorious Golden Week can not be wasted by secondary objectives.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Whispering Thank You's.
The flowers abound, blessing brightly, color.
Soft sensual yet firmly wet.
Wild mental mountains of pleasure.
Pause
Glory in fifties, settling peacefully,
Hearts held in holding hands.
Soft silences
and, then,
we whisper
'thank you.'
Soft sensual yet firmly wet.
Wild mental mountains of pleasure.
Pause
Glory in fifties, settling peacefully,
Hearts held in holding hands.
Soft silences
and, then,
we whisper
'thank you.'
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Flowers' Flush
Sunny,
sided to proceed.
Motion to breeze.
Looking toward sunny,
forward to funny...
feeling a need to Spring.
sided to proceed.
Motion to breeze.
Looking toward sunny,
forward to funny...
feeling a need to Spring.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Double Take
There is more than a duplicity in all moments... more like a kaleidoscope of variables... different threads lacing simultaneously through our head. Only mass murderers and the financially successful have the luxury of simplicity... the advantage of just two worlds, private and public.
Most of us see windows appearing along every corridor, looking out on fresh horizons chuck filled with alternatives. And with this inner and outer vision comes all that damn responsibility. We know what each world will be permitted to ask. Each new demension has the right to ask for our best... full honest consciousness.
Yuck... the task of being 'full focus on' is so daunting, even when one's self-expectations are as low as mine appear to be. Oh well... we grow our own ingredients, with our daily labor, and, if there is a maturing of produce, we get a tasty stew...
Then we get to sit, stewing in our choices. It is all very simple, in its complexity. All very complete, in its infinity of options. All so life like.
Most of us see windows appearing along every corridor, looking out on fresh horizons chuck filled with alternatives. And with this inner and outer vision comes all that damn responsibility. We know what each world will be permitted to ask. Each new demension has the right to ask for our best... full honest consciousness.
Yuck... the task of being 'full focus on' is so daunting, even when one's self-expectations are as low as mine appear to be. Oh well... we grow our own ingredients, with our daily labor, and, if there is a maturing of produce, we get a tasty stew...
Then we get to sit, stewing in our choices. It is all very simple, in its complexity. All very complete, in its infinity of options. All so life like.
Crisp Freshness of Morning
It is I who am most crisp in the morn. Morning man despite a sleepless night of videocast viewing and twisting dream-wake consciousness. The simple reading of a seven rule diet point of view, and this Bloggers multiple responses, has me reemerging today as a dieter.
The Seven Horrible Truths about Dieting and Exercise
The Seven Horrible Truths about Dieting and Exercise
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Keep Sake
I mentally fondle my video-cast notion of flowers... trying to determine if this is a valuable life step or just a passing fancy. Would this notion be met best as a still photo process or motion video? I have a completely unexplored micro-lens on an out-dated Olympus digital camera. Why not develop my concept around the resources I now have, and then take it from there.
Is there any audio or additional data needed? Is it visual aesthetics, some greater level of experience, or a life-style creation I am after?
While there is a wish for all three, isn't it necessary to take one step at a time? Begin by amassing images. Find if I really have content worthy of publishing, and begin from there, concerning whether I am talking about video-podcasting or RSS blog photo feeding.
At present, I am mashing all in my head, and all these various forms of expression have their own distinct characteristics.
Is there any audio or additional data needed? Is it visual aesthetics, some greater level of experience, or a life-style creation I am after?
While there is a wish for all three, isn't it necessary to take one step at a time? Begin by amassing images. Find if I really have content worthy of publishing, and begin from there, concerning whether I am talking about video-podcasting or RSS blog photo feeding.
At present, I am mashing all in my head, and all these various forms of expression have their own distinct characteristics.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Waking Early
I achieved delightful moments waking early on a Wednesday. Water my plants, listening to many podcasts, making breakfast, sporadic cleaning... My mind dances around and around this notion of video podcasting. Technical perspectives, philosophical points of view, life style choices... a major puzzle moving to some choices.
Will this all dissipate or come to a deeper understanding? Death and other examples of brutal finality darken all my thoughts... that and the endless quagmire of classroom realities. Thank God I am blessed with a workable life style... a relieving pace of space and time optimized for moderation. I must keep working to perfect my presence in the most troubling classes while preserving my quality of performance across the board.
Will this all dissipate or come to a deeper understanding? Death and other examples of brutal finality darken all my thoughts... that and the endless quagmire of classroom realities. Thank God I am blessed with a workable life style... a relieving pace of space and time optimized for moderation. I must keep working to perfect my presence in the most troubling classes while preserving my quality of performance across the board.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
The Pleasures of Spring
Added red lily bulb seedlings to my planters yesterday on my return from Costco. Flowers have expanded in this life, a curious parallel with so many other old people. Is this some biological phenomena in which old people reach toward the earth for pragmatic pleasures?
Friday, April 13, 2007
Glorious Spring to Image-maker
The 'guerilla camera' choice verses a larger more professional level camera, has me again focusing on Canon's HV10, which crosses the advantage of High Density videography with light weight portability. A friend on campus talked about how he does not bring his large camera to events because it is just too big. Since one aspect of my video ambitions is productivity, in an already busy life style, it stands to reason I go small.
My Nikon Coolpix E100 has been a disaster, having been already to the repair shop and again not working. The handling is awkward, the on and off switch unclear, and so the battery life unpredictable. With the Canon HV10 I will have a 3.1 million pixel image, comparable to my present resolution and adequate for my purposes, which are web based.
Mobile camera phones are another positive possibility though at present they do not have the quality and control I would like to experiment with. But, in time, I hope to experiment more with this 'keitai' medium in the near future. I suspect I will also move up in technology, tempted by the semipro-models of Canon XHG1 and XH A1, or even the pro level XL H1. But first I need to prove the feasibility of my producing a consistent product while maintaining my present lifestyle.
My Nikon Coolpix E100 has been a disaster, having been already to the repair shop and again not working. The handling is awkward, the on and off switch unclear, and so the battery life unpredictable. With the Canon HV10 I will have a 3.1 million pixel image, comparable to my present resolution and adequate for my purposes, which are web based.
Mobile camera phones are another positive possibility though at present they do not have the quality and control I would like to experiment with. But, in time, I hope to experiment more with this 'keitai' medium in the near future. I suspect I will also move up in technology, tempted by the semipro-models of Canon XHG1 and XH A1, or even the pro level XL H1. But first I need to prove the feasibility of my producing a consistent product while maintaining my present lifestyle.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Changing of the Guard
The Don Inus rude joking at the expense of the Rutger's basketball team highlights the difference in values between the world I was brought up in and the evolutionary forces in the collective conscious. My family is ripe with bigoted language and humor and I hear it too in my own usage despite my desire to evolve. Growth is a painful process that cuts away at improvisational velocity. It is more fun to fall back on old standby Schlock humor than to evolve to the next level of oral awareness. Yet I truly do want to speak my truth... not the historical truth of previous ignorance but a transformational expression of what I have come to believe is right.
In me is a greater self and this is what I aspire to. No need to play the old worn out tunes of racist and sexist ignorance.
In me is a greater self and this is what I aspire to. No need to play the old worn out tunes of racist and sexist ignorance.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Learning
I am psyched at this crazy idea of flower photography... adding a flower a day to my blog entries. It makes no sense except that I am into flowers these days and spend time everyday grooming my flower gardens and potted plants, along with my several room display flower arrangements.
Classes are going well despite the usual ruffled feathers as I roll in both barrels blazing. There is an honesty and sincerity in my style that will eventually cause unwanted confrontations, yet what real choice do I have? I listen carefully to each critique or complaint or subliminal message and try my best to factor in the input... but I also know in cross cultural interaction there is always the possibility I will need to fold in any one hand.
I love what I do, but I do it with such an intensity that it drains me completely. Maintaining a balance, pacing my driving in my car, in the classroom, and in my social interactions is essential... graceful multitasking... a 'Grace' race. Feeling from the other's perspective while in the dance of it.
Classes are going well despite the usual ruffled feathers as I roll in both barrels blazing. There is an honesty and sincerity in my style that will eventually cause unwanted confrontations, yet what real choice do I have? I listen carefully to each critique or complaint or subliminal message and try my best to factor in the input... but I also know in cross cultural interaction there is always the possibility I will need to fold in any one hand.
I love what I do, but I do it with such an intensity that it drains me completely. Maintaining a balance, pacing my driving in my car, in the classroom, and in my social interactions is essential... graceful multitasking... a 'Grace' race. Feeling from the other's perspective while in the dance of it.
Already on Cue, babbling distractions...
Multitasking is synonymous with raising a family, particularly while working a career as a university teacher, at several different scattered schools throughout the week. Being a single dad only accents the challenge and demands the skill.
Nutritional eating and routine exercise can be integrated into this life style. Not only is this possible, symptoms suggest... it is essential. Multitasking is an art of priorities, merging the task of saying 'NO' to lazy default habits with the proactive solution of saying 'YES' to healthy life alternatives.
Make it a conscious awareness... but step it up, from guilt creating reaction, to verification. Verify any truths inherent in replenishing the biological soul. Find out why healthy well-balanced individuals are happier by emulating their routines.
Get well.
Nutritional eating and routine exercise can be integrated into this life style. Not only is this possible, symptoms suggest... it is essential. Multitasking is an art of priorities, merging the task of saying 'NO' to lazy default habits with the proactive solution of saying 'YES' to healthy life alternatives.
Make it a conscious awareness... but step it up, from guilt creating reaction, to verification. Verify any truths inherent in replenishing the biological soul. Find out why healthy well-balanced individuals are happier by emulating their routines.
Get well.
Monday, April 9, 2007
The Success I am Having
There is a paradise I live. I teach my first classes of the semester and for lunch meet a friend. We eat well... there is always Ramen here in Kyoto. We walk in the woods... there is always a beautiful flower laden path in Kyoto. We return to my room... my special place at home in the hills above Kyoto. A place where love making comes naturally. A palace in the hill of dreams.
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